Today things are a little different. After our second album was released in 2010, we ourselves were released from our record label, Universal Republic. We then released our guitar player, Andy, and set him free to follow his own dreams, which it turned out were a little different from our own. We released a lot of things that year, including our steady income and our position as one of Alternative Rock's most formidable bands. The empire we had worked so hard to build over the last 6 years had all but crumbled. Our manager quit. And then I got pregnant.
Before you start feeling sorry for me, let me just say that I ::kind of:: got pregnant on purpose, knowing full well that the timing wasn't great. But, you know, when you're young, and in love, and you've just come home from a long European tour, sometimes things happen (I mean, have you SEEN my husband? Dreamy!). I think part of me honestly thought that the band wouldn't recover from our year long struggle to stay afloat and I'd be cast off into the world to find another dream. Part of me desperately hoped that we'd come back, and I had visions of myself on stage with Gwen Stefani-esque swagger, my adorable and well-behaved children watching me delightedly from the side of the stage with stars in their eyes. Ok, in the fantasy I just AM Gwen Stefani. Either way, I was sure that life as I knew it was going to change in a big way. Under. Statement.
About a month into my pregnancy, we started work on our third album. We finished it in December, a few weeks before my son was born. Around the same time we had the good fortune to sign a record deal with a new (smaller) (ok, really small) label called Shanachie Entertainment, and we hired a new manager. And then, to my terror and dismay as a new mom who was more or less afraid to leave the house most days, we started talking tour. At first I thought there was no way I could make it work. I'd have to leave him at home, which I just couldn't handle. Then I thought I'd just have to take him with me, which I also couldn't handle because tours are hard enough when YOU are the only person you have to take care of. Then I realized it would have to be a combination of the two, and after a lot of late night talks with my husband, tears, and one incredibly amazing superhuman mother-in-law, I somehow found the resolve to make it happen.
We are doing the tour in two legs - the first 2 weeks on the West Coast I will do by myself, since the drives are too long and the distances too far for me to drive myself. Then we will come home for 10 days before embarking on a 4 week long leg across the East Coast and Midwest, during which I will bring Findlay with me, and my mother-in-law, Margo, will come along to be his nanny. We will follow the band van in my car with me driving, which shouldn't be too intense since the drives are much shorter on that side of the country. At this point I have absolutely to clue as to whether or not this is a good idea. I think it is. Well, I hope it is. At any rate, we'll find out soon enough.
Currently I am writing this from inside the venue in Missoula, Montana. A very terrible band is doing their sound check. We left yesterday to drive here, which took upwards of 12 hours. Our first show is tonight and the next two weeks promise to be completely insane schedule-wise. Good thing I'm used to operating on minimal sleep these days.
I've never been more distraught in my life than I was when I had to leave my son for the tour. You mommies out there know what I'm talking about. In my heart of hearts I know he'll be fine and I couldn't ask for a better caretaker than lovely Margo, but still, it was hard. He is 8 months old now and changing so much every day. I justify it to myself by thinking that if it were me, and my mom was telling me the story as a teenager, I would have thought she was crazy not to go. I remember often feeling sad for my own mom that she had to give up a lot of her dreams when she became a parent. I know that when he's grown, he won't even remember that I was gone. Doesn't stop my heart from aching every moment, though. I'm welling up now just thinking about him, his sweet smiles when he wakes up from a nap, his drooly kisses, and I just hate that I'm not there to comfort him when he's crying. When I was pregnant someone told me I'd be shocked at how much sooner you have to start letting go then you think. No advice I've heard has rang more true.
Anyway, the inspiration to do this blog came from the fact that in planning this, I myself was desperate for advice, for help, for some other person that had gone through what I'm going through to ease my mind. Shockingly, Googling "baby on rock tour" didn't yield many results. My hope is that some day, some young mommy will be thinking about chasing her dreams and being a mom at the same time, and she'll read this and it will help her out. Who knows. Plus I just think the chaos of having a baby (and a mother-in-law!) on tour is going to be humorous, interesting, entertaining and exhausting, and there are guaranteed to be some blog-worthy moments.
So stay tuned, wish me luck, and I promise all blog entries will not be this long! Even if you're not in a rock band, even if you're just a mom trying to pull it together enough to go to the grocery store, know that I am with you and I am 100% crazier than you for attempting this. And if you're not a mommy but you're just curious what life on the road is like, hopefully this will provide a little insight for you as well. Until next time!
Peace, Love, and Diapers
M xx
Well spoken Mackenzie! Great read.
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