Necessary Toughness

When we first started touring as a band, I was 22 years old and fresh out of college.  We had done well enough in Denver that we figured it was time to branch out, so we packed our gear in a rented 15-passenger van and headed for LA.  On our first few tours, we could only do a few shows at a time before returning home – the drives across western America are incredibly long and in order not to lose (a lot of) money we could only sustain a week or so on the road.  More often than not we were crashing on friends’ floors instead of staying in hotels.  We drove ourselves, taking turns at the wheel, and over time we got the hang of touring, finding better and easier ways to make life on the road bearable.

Our luxurious ride

As a person who has admittedly had a very easy life, touring has always been a challenge for me.  I don’t like to be tired or hungry, two of the most common states you’ll find yourself in while on tour.  I’ve never been a big fan of “roughing it” and a lot of the towns we’ve found ourselves in have not exactly been desirable destinations (Bakersfield, anyone?).  I get really grumpy if I can’t shower every day, and being the only girl in the group has at times been both a blessing and a curse (there is very little privacy, but men's general fear and anxiety about issues of the female body and mind can occasionally be used to my advantage).  Oh, and don’t even get me started on the fart situation. 

The way we do things now is not significantly different, although we have a tour manager and a stage manager who do the driving and gear hauling.  We have a merch guy to hock t-shirts and CD’s, and we spend more time in hotels than on our friends’ floors.  Still, being on tour is a challenge both mentally and physically.  It’s almost like a game you play with yourself.  How little sleep can I get and still perform well?  How much crappy fast food can I eat before my digestive system is trashed?  And the eternal question, how long can I hold it?  Because I really don’t want to pee in this disgusting, filthy gas station bathroom.  Some of the answers might surprise you.

Flobots on tour in Paris, 2008

Now, if you’re a mom and you’re reading this, you might find yourself thinking, hmm….that sounds familiar.  And while fundamentally being on tour and being a mother are clearly two very different things, I am noticing that some of the games you play are surprisingly very similar.  Finding the time and resources to generate and then consume food can be a challenge, especially in the early months.  Peeing (alone, if at all) is an adventure.  And sleep?  Oh, sleep.  You elude me at every turn.  In addition, you are required to, at all times, be attentive, caring, nurturing and loving.  You always put the needs of your child before your own.  You have precious little alone time.  The funny thing is, though, that even though parenthood is one of the biggest challenges you will ever endure, it’s never a chore.  At least it isn’t for me.  The job of being a mom is the best job I’ve ever had and I would starve, hold in my pee, and stay awake every second for the rest of my life as long as I get to kiss and cuddle and love my son.  It has made me a tougher, stronger and more resilient person and for that I am grateful. 

Kissing, cuddling and loving the band is less appealing for obvious reasons, although I am deeply invested in what we’re doing, and I do love my band mates in a platonic, stinky boy kind of way.  Being away from Findlay for the sake of this job is not something that I take lightly or find easy, but I have been pleasantly surprised to find that my “tour toughness” has increased ten-fold since I’ve become a parent.  I feel empowered in a way I never have before.  I feel less fear and anxiety around being away from home because I know that if it came to it, I would walk my butt all the way down I-25 if I had to in order to get back to my family.  The day to day inconveniences bother me less, as I’m now used to skipping a shower and a meal (two words – dry shampoo).  More importantly, I feel a sense of purpose in doing this job, more so than ever before, because I’m doing it for them. 

Photo by Pete Wynn - 2011

A couple of nights ago in Portland, I came back on stage by myself to begin our encore.  It was a packed house and after an incredibly high energy show I was more or less exhausted and kind of ready to just go to bed, especially knowing that the following day we would have a 13-hour drive beginning at 5am.  I had been pretty depressed all day, desperately missing my family and feeling a bit worn down - the night before in Seattle I was stung by a Hornet 30 minutes before the show, so I had been dealing with a swollen and painful arm all day.  Before I even played a note, someone yelled out, “I love you!”  Someone else shouted “I love her more!” and then someone else, “I love her the most!”  Then a beautiful chorus of “we all love you!’s” erupted and I could have cried.  Moments like that make the road’s troubles disappear, if only for a moment.  Even though I was missing my family, I like to think they would be proud of me knowing that I was out there on stage doing what I love and being loved by others in return, and becoming a stronger and better person because of it.  

Part 1 - A Little Background

Those of you who know me well, and even those of you who don't, really, probably know that I'm a pretty private person.  I am relatively shy and introverted, and the limelight isn't a place I've always been particularly comfortable.  Because of that I think a lot of people were really surprised when I suddenly one day ended up on stage in front of 40,000 people with my rock/hip-hop band, Flobots.  You were even more shocked when we got a record deal, and were utterly blown away when you saw me on TV, performing on the Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien and Carson Daly shows.  I was utterly blown away myself.  I still am, and looking back on the heyday of Flobots I am often rendered speechless by the accomplishments of our little music group from Denver, Colorado.

Today things are a little different.  After our second album was released in 2010, we ourselves were released from our record label, Universal Republic.  We then released our guitar player, Andy, and set him free to follow his own dreams, which it turned out were a little different from our own.  We released a lot of things that year, including our steady income and our position as one of Alternative Rock's most formidable bands.  The empire we had worked so hard to build over the last 6 years had all but crumbled.  Our manager quit.  And then I got pregnant.  

Before you start feeling sorry for me, let me just say that I ::kind of:: got pregnant on purpose, knowing full well that the timing wasn't great.  But, you know, when you're young, and in love, and you've just come home from a long European tour, sometimes things happen (I mean, have you SEEN my husband?  Dreamy!).  I think part of me honestly thought that the band wouldn't recover from our year long struggle to stay afloat and I'd be cast off into the world to find another dream.  Part of me desperately hoped that we'd come back, and I had visions of myself on stage with Gwen Stefani-esque swagger, my adorable and well-behaved children watching me delightedly from the side of the stage with stars in their eyes.  Ok, in the fantasy I just AM Gwen Stefani.  Either way, I was sure that life as I knew it was going to change in a big way.  Under.  Statement.  

About a month into my pregnancy, we started work on our third album.  We finished it in December, a few weeks before my son was born.  Around the same time we had the good fortune to sign a record deal with a new (smaller) (ok, really small) label called Shanachie Entertainment, and we hired a new manager.  And then, to my terror and dismay as a new mom who was more or less afraid to leave the house most days, we started talking tour.  At first I thought there was no way I could make it work.  I'd have to leave him at home, which I just couldn't handle.  Then I thought I'd just have to take him with me, which I also couldn't handle because tours are hard enough when YOU are the only person you have to take care of.  Then I realized it would have to be a combination of the two, and after a lot of late night talks with my husband, tears, and one incredibly amazing superhuman mother-in-law, I somehow found the resolve to make it happen.

We are doing the tour in two legs - the first 2 weeks on the West Coast I will do by myself, since the drives are too long and the distances too far for me to drive myself.  Then we will come home for 10 days before embarking on a 4 week long leg across the East Coast and Midwest, during which I will bring Findlay with me, and my mother-in-law, Margo, will come along to be his nanny.  We will follow the band van in my car with me driving, which shouldn't be too intense since the drives are much shorter on that side of the country.  At this point I have absolutely to clue as to whether or not this is a good idea.  I think it is.  Well, I hope it is.  At any rate, we'll find out soon enough. 

Currently I am writing this from inside the venue in Missoula, Montana.  A very terrible band is doing their sound check.  We left yesterday to drive here, which took upwards of 12 hours.  Our first show is tonight and the next two weeks promise to be completely insane schedule-wise.  Good thing I'm used to operating on minimal sleep these days.  

I've never been more distraught in my life than I was when I had to leave my son for the tour.  You mommies out there know what I'm talking about.  In my heart of hearts I know he'll be fine and I couldn't ask for a better caretaker than lovely Margo, but still, it was hard.  He is 8 months old now and changing so much every day.  I justify it to myself by thinking that if it were me, and my mom was telling me the story as a teenager, I would have thought she was crazy not to go.  I remember often feeling sad for my own mom that she had to give up a lot of her dreams when she became a parent.  I know that when he's grown, he won't even remember that I was gone.  Doesn't stop my heart from aching every moment, though.  I'm welling up now just thinking about him, his sweet smiles when he wakes up from a nap, his drooly kisses, and I just hate that I'm not there to comfort him when he's crying.  When I was pregnant someone told me I'd be shocked at how much sooner you have to start letting go then you think.  No advice I've heard has rang more true. 

Anyway, the inspiration to do this blog came from the fact that in planning this, I myself was desperate for advice, for help, for some other person that had gone through what I'm going through to ease my mind.  Shockingly, Googling "baby on rock tour" didn't yield many results.  My hope is that some day, some young mommy will be thinking about chasing her dreams and being a mom at the same time, and she'll read this and it will help her out.  Who knows.  Plus I just think the chaos of having a baby (and a mother-in-law!) on tour is going to be humorous, interesting, entertaining and exhausting, and there are guaranteed to be some blog-worthy moments.    

So stay tuned, wish me luck, and I promise all blog entries will not be this long!  Even if you're not in a rock band, even if you're just a mom trying to pull it together enough to go to the grocery store, know that I am with you and I am 100% crazier than you for attempting this.  And if you're not a mommy but you're just curious what life on the road is like, hopefully this will provide a little insight for you as well.  Until next time!

Peace, Love, and Diapers  

M xx